The Saga of Frank Le Tank: Or, How Not to Respond to a Wedding Invitation.
Wedding favors, Huntington Beach, California. Photo courtesy Liam and Larkin Morton.
Weddings can inspire powerful, unpredictable emotions in the people involved. This is an important thing to keep in mind if you are the bride, groom, or just an unsuspecting guest. If you have been recently invited to a wedding, even for people whom you normally know to be relaxed, easy-going types, please read and learn from the following sequence of events, which took place a week before my own recent wedding.
My mother, grandmother and grandfather have just finished - just finished - tying bows and nametags on 200 party favors when someone goes to the mailbox and comes back with troubling news. A new response card has arrived. The name:
"Master Frank Le Tank."
Readers may recognize this as the popular Will Ferrell character in "Old School." It is also the nickname of one of my husband's close friends. My family, unfortunately, doesn't know this. A check of the favors - all 200 of them - reveals that there is no favor for Frank L. Tank. Panic ensues. Another favor will have to be procured. A new nametag must be printed. My brother attempts to explain that Frank Tank is a character from a movie and this is likely a joke. He is shushed.
The odd sound of the name raises suspicions. Inspection of the guest list reveals: There is no Frank L. Tank. Concern turns to outrage. Conspiracy theories abound. "Maybe he stole the invitation or found it in the street!" Grandma worries. My grandfather proposes calling the Best Western to check their reservation records for a Frank Tank. My mother, fuming, begins downing a large glass of wine. Again my brother tries to explain the Will Ferrell reference. They refuse to believe him, in part because it's too horrifying: What kind of person would joke about something as important as a wedding response card?
"And it's only appropriate to use the title 'Master' when referring to a boy 12 or younger," Grandma says. "Who does this person think he is?"
Finally they call my cell to see if I can shed light on this mystery. Now slurring her words, my mother gets on the phone and demands, "Who is Frank L. Tank?"
Unaware of the hostility mounting against Frank Tank, I identify him as Conrad, our groomsman and good friend. Immediately, it is clear this is a mistake.
"You tell Conrad," Mom says, "that he is NOT FUNNY."
So, wedding guests, allow the tale of Frank L. Tank to serve as cautionary parable. What's funny to you, or to your friend getting married, may not be as charming to a stressed-out Italian family about to marry off their daughter. And for God's sake, send in your response cards on time.
Posted on Monday, Oct 19, 2009
